


sing to me of the end of the world

by SiriCerasi



Series: this war's not over [4]
Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Coffee, Episode Tag, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Nightmares, PTSD, Pancakes, Shock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriCerasi/pseuds/SiriCerasi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Post 3.01 "301") The rest they can deal with later. Tonight it's enough that they're both here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. snow on your face and your razor blades

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoilers:** Through 3.01
> 
>  **Warnings:** Reference to violence
> 
>  **Author's Notes:** Set post-3.01, because Audrey really needed some squishing. This story is actually FINISHED, so I will update in a timely manner *cough* I actually wrote it right after the episode aired, but then episode 2 happened and it got kind of lost. Trying to rekindle my Nathan/Audrey love, so edited this and here we are. 
> 
> Songs for this story are a mix of Flyleaf's "[Arise](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuw0pE-B-T8)" and Barcelona's ["Get Up"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fe8H8mPWJE).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She doesn't say a word once they get to his car, other than to state, "I don't want to go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Spoilers:** Through 3.01
> 
>  **Warnings:** Reference to violence

  
_behind that weathered door, i thought it would be safest_   
_my head is dizzy now, i thought we'd overcome_   
_we might not make it home tonight_   


_**xxx**  
_

__

She doesn't say a word once they get to his car, other than to state, "I don't want to go home."

Nathan just nods. Of course she doesn't. Neither does he. Her room is still a wreck, shattered glass on the floor, half-made dinner everywhere. A reminder of what they'd almost had, they might've been.

If they were normal. If they didn't have some fate or curse or responsibility or whatever the hell this is hanging over them.

He takes her to his place instead, blasts the heat in his car as high as it goes because she's still shivering. It hurts just to look at her, messy hair and pale face and blood and bruises. She's still holding a towel to her wrist; the paramedics had only let her go when Nathan had promised to clean her up.

By the time they reach his place she's shaking even harder, and he starts to worry she's going into shock. Wonders if maybe he should've ordered her to the hospital, for whatever good it would've done. She makes no move to open the car door, doesn't even seem to realize they've stopped. He circles around and opens it for her, sees her start, the flash of fear in her eyes.

"Audrey," he murmurs, touching her hand. Her mouth opens and closes, eyes glistening. Her fingers are freezing. "Come on, let's get you inside." She nods dully, mutters something under her breath.

His foot creaks as he steps onto his porch and she freezes, eyes wild with panic, heart racing against his palm. He feels his own heart break a little. "It's just me," he soothes, tightening his arm around her waist. "Relax, Audrey. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, okay?"

Normally she'd give him a look, roll her eyes and walk away. Instead she presses closer, so close he can hear her frenzied breathing. "Come on," he murmurs, half-dragging her to the door. "It's alright, Audrey, it's just me, you're safe. Come on."

He gets her inside, eventually, presses her shivering body onto the couch. She huddles into her jacket, rocks back and forth and stares at nothing. Nathan can only watch for a few moments before the worry chokes him and he has to turn away, to do _something_ to help her before he breaks down.

He grabs a few blankets and a first aid kit, wraps her up where she sits, almost catatonic again.

"I need to see your hand," he tells her quietly. She glances up at him like she'd just noticed he's there, nods tightly. When he's cleaned off the blood and bandaged the cut, he gently wipes at her face, trying to avoid the bruises. She winces anyway, and he murmurs, "Sorry."

"'sok." She's calmer now, seems to breathe a little more evenly every time he touches her. But she's still shivering with cold, still so _pale_. He tucks another blanket around her, feels his stomach wrench as she leans into his touch with a tiny whimper. Hesitantly, he rests his arm back around her shoulders, and when she shifts closer and lays her head against his chest everything finally, _finally_ settles back into place. She's here, she's safe, and his world will go on.

They sit in silence for a few minutes while she just breathes, and he listens, and he's never been happier in his life. When her eyelids start to flutter, though, he pulls back a little and asks, "You want something to eat? Drink? I could make pancakes." The words slip out before he can stop them, and he wants to kick himself at the look of fleeting panic that crosses her face.

But her voice is relatively steady when she mumbles, "I'm just tired," with a shake of her head. He figures actually giving her first aid should count as enough of a win for the night, and nods.

"Bed's that way, c'mon."

"'m not stealing your bed, Nathan," she protests, words slurred with exhaustion. He can't help smiling a little.

"It's not stealing if I'm offering, Parker. And there's no way in hell you're staying on the couch. Come on."

If she'd been more awake and less beat up she probably would've put up more of a fight, but she wasn't so she didn't. He even gets her to change into some of his old sweats – _You're not getting blood on my bed, Parker_ – and under the covers before she freezes, eyes wide and flush with panic.

Nathan stills. He sees her chest starting to rise and fall more quickly, can hear her almost panted breaths. "Audrey," he murmurs. "Hey, Audrey, look at me." He reaches out carefully to touch her shoulder. "You're gonna be okay," he promises. "I'll keep watch tonight, alright? Trust me. No one's getting near you." She swallows, nods slowly and settles into the pillows. Nathan places his gun pointedly on the nightstand and she visibly relaxes, closing her eyes.

He settles in to watch.

 

_**xxx**  
_

__

_the twilight is bruised and there you lie_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! =)


	2. my fear would come alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wakes up screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Spoilers:** Through 3.01
> 
> **Chapter Summary:** She wakes up screaming.
> 
> **Author's Notes:** See, I can post things in a timely fashion. And it's even the holidays! Actually, this is my Introvert Break from the family.

_sing to me about the end of the world_

**_xxx_ **

 

She wakes up screaming.

 

He’s at her side in an instant, trying to calm her down as she tears frantically at the sheets wrapped around her. “Let me go let me go let me go,” she’s sobbing, as he whispers her name, desperately tries to steady her. “Please don’t hurt me please please let Rosalyn go I’ll tell you anything please…”

 

“Shh, Audrey, it’s me,” he pleads. “It’s Nathan, you’re safe, you’re at my place. It was just a dream.” He grips her arms as tightly as he dares, feels her entire body heaving as she struggles to breathe.

 

“No,” she chokes, eyes looking everywhere but at him. “No, it was real, he was here…”

 

Nathan takes her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “Parker,” he says sharply. That finally stills her, brings some semblance of sanity back into her eyes.

 

Nathan reaches up hesitantly to brush her hair out of her face, taking in her shock-white skin. “There’s no one here but me,” he soothes, much softer. “I promise, Audrey. It’s just me.” He smooths her hair back again, just because he can, and nods at the bed stand. “And my gun.” That gets the tiniest reaction, a twitch of lips as she finally looks at him. Raw and red and so vulnerable, so terrified, that he can’t help wrapping his arms around her.

 

“I told you I’d keep watch tonight,” he murmurs, rocking her slowly as she starts to sob into his shoulder. “Shh, trust me, Audrey. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you, understand? I’ll keep you safe.”

 

Her answer is to wrap her arms around him, slowly, face still buried into his shoulder. She chokes his name as he starts to rub her back, her shirt covered in sweat, and he finds himself swallowing around a lump in his throat. It isn’t _fair_. After everything she’s had to deal with, _they’ve_ had to deal with, to put this on top of it…

 

But at least she’s safe. And relatively okay.

 

Except for the part where she’s crying in his arms.

 

“I’m right here,” he whispers, when he’s sure his voice won’t crack. “You’re safe. It’s over, you’re safe.” He repeats the words, again and again, until her shaking gradually eases and her tears slow, until he’s no longer sure which of them he’s trying to reassure.

 

She doesn’t pull away, not even when he slowly lays her down, just keeps her arms tight around him and drags him with her. So he gives in, tugs the blankets over both of them and keeps her cradled to his chest, no longer pretending this isn’t what he wants. To feel her warmth against his skin, her reassuring weight in his arms, to know she’s okay.

 

The rest they can deal with later. Tonight it’s enough that they’re both here.

 

**_xxx_ **

  
_so sleep tonight, we'll sleep dreamlessly this time_   
_when we awake we'll know that everything's alright_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! =)


	3. but in the morning we are new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He makes pancakes for breakfast, because he'll be damned if he'll let some psycho kidnapper ruin those for him. For them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Spoilers:** Through 3.01
> 
> **Chapter Summary:** He makes pancakes for breakfast, because he'll be damned if he'll let some psycho kidnapper ruin those for him. For them.
> 
> **Author's Notes:** Pancakes. Because reasons.

  
_five days after black and red collide._   
_the motion sickness past, i'll be the first to stand._   


  
_(sing, sing, arise)_   
_stand in the sun, we'll dry your eyes_   


_**xxx**   
_

 

He makes pancakes for breakfast, because he’ll be damned if he’ll let some psycho kidnapper ruin those for him. For them.

 

She slips into the kitchen without him noticing, not until he catches sight of her leaning against the wall out of the corner of his eye. There’s a fading panic on her face that settles in his chest, constricts his throat.

 

“Morning,” he states, flipping a pancake. She gulps a few breaths as Nathan just tries to keep his hands steady, tries not to think about how on edge she is, how he should have been there when she woke up, how he really needs to hit something.

 

She ghosts a smile, stutters, “I… you weren’t… I didn’t know…”

 

Nathan drops the spatula and approaches her slowly. “Just making breakfast,” he tells her. “Still right here.” Relief and guilt flash across her features and he has to resist the urge to run his fingers along her face, try to erase the marks that mar her perfect face. She nods wearily. “How’s your hand?”

 

She shrugs, holds up the offending arm and let him check it. “Doesn’t hurt much,” she sighs. Nathan just raises an eyebrow.

 

“Take it from me, that doesn’t mean a lot.” She flinches and he smiles to take the edge off.

 

“I’m sorry,” she stutters. “I didn’t-”

 

“Relax, Parker. Smile. It was a joke.”

 

She rubs her free hand across her eyes instead. “I need to shower,” she mumbles. “And… and go to… I need my clothes.”

 

It’s _killing_ him, her uncertainty. Her reticence. He’s used to Audrey Parker saying what she wants, no hesitation. She never been _afraid_ before, not like this.

 

He _hates_ it.

 

He takes her chin in his hand, pretends to check the wound on her cheek. She shivers at his touch but doesn’t pull away, lets him skim his fingers lightly across her skin. She’s still so pale, so cold.

 

“Go shower,” he murmurs. “I asked Duke to bring some of your clothes over.” Her eyes widen a little at that and her mouth quirks. Nathan shakes his head, can’t help feeling a thousand times lighter at her smirk. “He’s your landlord,” he huffs. “Don’t read too much into it. I still don’t trust him.”

 

“You trusted him enough to pick my outfit for today,” she drawls. Her eyes are softer, he realizes. The panic has receded, and some of the shadows under her eyes were wiped away with sleep.

 

Nathan finds himself grinning, stupidly. “Just go shower, Parker.”

 

**_xxx_ **

  
_hold on to the world we all remember fighting for_   
_there's some strength left in us yet_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! =)


	4. we will make it out alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't know how he'll ever let her go again, let alone out of his sight. How he'll sleep at night, knowing she's alone in her apartment, probably huddled awake in the dark. How he'll breathe, knowing the man who took her is still out there. Knowing he wasn't enough to protect her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Spoilers:** Through 3.01
> 
>  **Author's Notes:** Um, so the holidays got crazy. I fail. Sorry for the ridiculous wait, but here's the last part! And thanks so much for all the reviews etc, they totally make my day <3

  
_crawling on the ash, she's pitiful_   
_she's lost her sense of light_   
_she has to hold my hand_   


_**xxx** _

It's midmorning by the time they get to the cemetery. Nathan hears her voice from inside the grave, speaking almost angrily on the phone. He knows something's really up when she actually gets Frank's name right.

He should probably be surprised the coffin is empty, but somehow after everything that's happened he can't find it in him to be anything other than tired. And angry, angry that there's one more mystery he has to solve, that there's one more thing to fuck with Audrey's head.

And then they find the writing – _her_ writing – and he finds he is still capable of shock.

The hits just never stop coming, apparently.

Audrey had looked better this morning after she'd showered and he'd stuffed her full of pancakes, but as he kneels beside her and she presses her arm against his he can feel her starting to tremble again. She'd never lost her pallor, but now she's ghostly white, bruises standing out sickeningly. He has a sudden intense desire to just get her _out_ , away from this town and all its horrors.

She stands slowly, dazedly, and he's quick to follow. "Can you guys take care of this?" he asks Dwight and the Teagues tightly, gesturing at the massive dirt pile. Dwight nods, and Vince says, "Of course," with a long look at Audrey. Her back is still to all of them, staring down into the empty coffin.

"Parker," Nathan murmurs. "Let's go." He touches her shoulder and she jumps and he needs to kill something.

She gasps in a breath, mutters, "Yeah." Stares a moment longer before letting him guide her back to his car, not pulling away from his hand at the small of her back. It's simultaneously reassuring and concerning. She doesn't say a thing after that, but her silence is almost like a plea. He's not sure she could _ever_ ask him for anything, not emotionally, but just the fact that she doesn't push him away speaks volumes about her state of mind. About how much she needs human connection right now.

They end up on their bench, overlooking the ocean. It's a safe place for both of them, quiet. Where she'd told him she'd taken the job with Haven PD, where he'd told her about the Troubles. Where they'd agreed on pancakes for the first time.

Now she sips coffee, staring out at the ocean with glazed eyes, and that seems like a million years ago. Back when she'd laughed and joked with him. Back when her eyes weren't haunted, when getting a smile from her wasn't the brightest part of his day. When he didn't feel like she was holding herself together by a thread, and the entire fucking town wasn't trying to snap the ground right out from under her.

"Duke's cleaning up your place," he tells her after a few minutes, when he can't stand his thoughts any longer. When he can tell she's also too lost in her head. "Changing the locks, just in case. Says if you don't mind staying out for a few days he'll do some renovating too." She nods absently. He wonders if she'd heard a word he said.

He touches her wrist, murmurs, "Parker," and she finally _looks_ at him.

"It never ends," she states. "It just… every time I find one answer I get a thousand more questions, and everyone seems determined to keep me in the dark or they expect me to know things I don't, to remember things and _feel_ things…" Her voice breaks and she's not breathing and he has to do _something_ so he laces his fingers through hers, squeezing gently.

"Audrey, breathe," he pleads. She actually laughs, a harsh choked sound that grates on his ears. But she obeys, pulls her hand from his to rest her head in her palm and drags air into her lungs in a vague mimicry of breathing. And she looks so _small_ , so broken, so… not-Audrey. Not _his_ Audrey.

He hesitantly places a hand on her back, runs his fingers gently along her spine. "We'll figure it out," he promises. "I know it's a lot, but we can do this, Audrey. Together." She doesn't respond, just gasps a few more breaths, until he finally brushes back the hair she'd let fall in her face, shocking her into looking at him. "Understand?" he asks softly.

Her face falls again and he wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her gently to his side. She curls into him, almost spilling her coffee all over his lap, so he pries it from her fingers and sets it beside them on the bench. "It's okay," he breathes, pressing his lips to her hair. _Feeling_ it. She's trembling again, and it makes him want to beat something bloody. "It's okay, Audrey. I'm here," he murmurs instead. "You're safe, you'll be okay."

They just sit there for the rest of the morning, until her shaking eases and her breath evens out, her hands stop clutching so tightly in his shirt. But he still keeps an arm around her, still holds her tight against him, because he needs this as much as she does.

"I promised Rosalyn I'd keep her safe," she says eventually, voice a few notes too high.

Nathan finds he has a hard time speaking around the lump in his throat. "You did everything you could."

"And that wasn't enough."

Nathan feels a cold dread seep into his stomach, a helplessness he can't stand. Because he doesn't know how to convince her otherwise, he never has. "I've said it before and I'll say it again," he insists. "You can't save everyone, Audrey."

She lets out a harsh breath, pressing closer. Whispers, "She was so scared." _And so was I_. He hears her unspoken words like she'd screamed them and it makes his chest ache, his throat close over, his eyes burn. All he can do is raise his other arm to encircle her protectively, give her someplace secure, someplace where she's _safe_.

(He doesn't know how he'll ever let her go again, let alone out of his sight. How he'll sleep at night, knowing she's alone in her apartment, probably huddled awake in the dark. How he'll breathe, knowing the man who took her is still out there. Knowing he wasn't enough to protect her.)

So all he can choke is, "We do what we can," because _he was so scared_ and when it comes to Audrey he'll always be scared, _terrified_. Of losing her. Of _keeping_ her.

She tucks her head under his chin, her hair tickling his skin as she nuzzles closer. "You saved me," she murmurs, and he can't help snorting softly.

"You did a pretty good job of that yourself. I hear you almost skewered Duke with a scythe." He _feels_ her smile into his chest, feels the slight changes in pressure of her mouth against his skin.

"Not that," she explains, voice trailing off. He nudges her gently with his chin, rubs a hand along her arm in reassurance. She huffs, shifts to look up at him with those gorgeous blue eyes that are no longer quite so haunted, not so lonely and _scared_. "Last night," she states. He feels a tremor run through her. "If I'd had to… to go home alone…" She drops her gaze and he tightens his arms instinctively, unwilling to even think about that possibility. As though he'd _ever_ leave her alone like that.

"You're my partner," he tells her gently, firmly. "My friend. That wasn't even an option, Audrey."

She lets out a shaky breath, her body relaxing a little against him as she nods. "Yeah. Okay." He rubs her back absently, feels her calm a little more and it hits him just like that, square in the chest. This, _this_ , it's all she needs. Touch, human contact, it's not only important to him. He's kept himself so reserved, doing his best not to touch her unless absolutely necessary because he hadn't wanted her to feel used or obligated. But he'd been so focused on staying removed that he'd entirely missed the fact that _she_ needs this as much as he does. That human contact is as rare and important for her as it is for him, that she needs this connection to ground her, to make her feel safe.

So he holds her closer, runs his fingers through her hair and feels his chest constrict at the little whimper she makes. "I'm right here," he murmurs, pressing his lips to the top of her head. "I'll always be here for you."

She smiles softly, nuzzles closer. "I know." He hates it, how every time she says that it sounds like a revelation. How quickly she forgets that she's not alone in this, how often he has to remind her that he's _here_. Not that he's much better – okay, not that he's _any_ better. But it still aches, realizing all over again how _lonely_ she is. How much alike they are in that aspect, both yearning for human connection, for human _touch_ , but neither of them open enough to ask for it.

So as hard as it might be, as uncomfortable as initiating this kind of conversation is for him, he knows she needs him to do it. Because after everything she's been through in the past few months, he doesn't think she can afford to do this on her own anymore. To shut out the world. She'd been on edge before her abduction – understandable, given that'd she'd lost her identity and found herself in the middle of a war – but Nathan has never seen her this shaken, this _scared_. Jumping at shadows, doubting herself. Audrey Parker is nothing if not confident, but she feels so fragile in his arms, so vulnerable, like a wrong word could shatter her.

Nathan is not going to let her break.

(Because he doesn't know how he'd keep himself together if she did…)

Still, he doesn't feel like enough. Not to stand against all of this, against the insanity of this place. He's only one person, and his own words to Audrey echo in his head. _You can't save everyone_.

He doesn't want to save everyone, though. Only Audrey. _It's always Audrey_.

"You trust me?" he asks her quietly.

She slips her fingers through his, murmurs, "You know I do."

"Then trust me." He taps the gun on her hip. "You're still the same cop, Audrey. I don't care who this guy is, what he thinks he knows. Maybe he knew Lucy Ripley and the Colorado Kid, maybe he's even read up on the other Audrey Parker, but he doesn't know _you_. I know exactly who you are, and that's my partner." He squeezes her hand gently. "I still trust _you_ , Audrey. The woman I've known for the past six months, who has never failed me. Who always has my back. Never doubt that."

She takes a shaky breath, nods tightly. "Okay," she whispers. Closes her eyes, shivering in the cold breeze, and lets him shift closer. "I trust you."

It's the most he can ask for.

**_xxx_ **  


  
_get up, get up, get up_   
_(i need you)_   


_arise and be_  
 _all that you dreamed_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! =)


End file.
